The Moustache Does NOT Exist: December 2008

Monday, December 29, 2008

The End of the Beginning

Well, it's the end of 2008. What a year.

Here's some of the highlights around the world:

January: A boy scout thwarts an attempted assassination on the Maldivian president. Damn those boy scouts!

February: Kevin Rudd says Sorry... and now we start each and every school assembly with some endless dribble about thanking the natural custodians of the land. The Aboriginals stole it from the Dinosaurs! Everyone forgets the dinosaurs...

March: The first ever Mou Post is Posted.

April: India sets a world record by sending 10 satelites into orbit at the same time. Onya India!

May: It doesn't really matter about May, or the rest of the year... The thing you should all draw attention to is March. In preparation for today's post, I went over every post I've ever done and chose the best bits to put in this one. 62 posts. Lots of hard work. Like it. Or else.

Jenny: "Have you ever thought about finding a man named Harold and painting his toe nails blue? I know I have."

Mr. Patrick Look-Alike (From the same video as EDGAR!): "Cane toads...erm...give me lots of...ah...enjoyment."

Jenny...ranting on The Mou: "I DEMAND to see Trent's arms. We've been at this school for 2 and a bit years AND I HAVE NEVER SEEN HIS GODDAMN ARMS!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT KID?!?! (Note. It has now been 3 years AND I STILL HAVEN'T SEEN HIS GODDAMN ARMS!!!!)

"She's cool if you're a comic book." - Year 12 Jenny on Year 10 Laura

Chris: "I just had an epiphany. Bananas are a great source of potassium."
*A little bit later...*
Chris: "I just had another epiphany. I'm incredibly good looking."
Jenny: "Stick to bananas Chrissie."

*Doing an activity in Geography*
"Ocean east of Sydney... there's nothing east of Sydney!!!" - Flick... you know, the blonde one.

"So to me you're you, but to you you're me? Haha you're a ewe. So you're a sheep eating a kiwifruit...ahahah kiwi sheep! ... You have very grim prospects..." - Nessquote.

*Amy tries to borrow Dwyer's white out, which is naked...for want of a better adjective*
Jenny: "Here, borrow mine. You don't want naked white-out."
Dwyer: "THEN WHY DO YOU KEEP BORROWING MINE?!"
He was a bit shocked to find out that I have my own white-out.

Mr Sajko: "Come on, I want to rub it."
*Class erupts into giggles*
Mr Sajko: "You are dirty minded people."

Jenny: "You're so negative."
Chris: "No I'm not."

Mr Farquharson: "Animal remains in the ocean sink to the bottom."
Jenny: "So why do my goldfish float?"
(You all remember my goldfish? The ones that floated even when they weren't dead... *eye twitches*)

How to tell if something's a chemical thingy, Chris-style:
Hush little baby, don't say a word
Mama's gunna buy you hydrogen
If that hydrogen don't pop
Mama's gunna buy you a glowing splint
If that glowing splint don't relight
Mama's gunna buy you some limewater
If that that limewater won't go white
Then it's not a chemical thingy
But then again when you think
You might just fail at science.

Jenny: "You look like a baby bird waiting for his mother to regurgitate in his mouth."
Mooey: "Will you be my mother?"

Jenny: "You wanna take this outside?!"
Whoever I was talking to: "We -are- outside."
Jenny: "Alright... let's take it INSIDE and discuss it maturely like adults."

"It was a great afternoon: stripping, wheelbarrows and worm touching" -Description of what happened at the bus stop that afternoon. I remember it well...

Shuttle bus. It rhymes with cuttle cuss.

"When I was younger I thought I was allergic to Turtles." - Nessquote.

"I thought it was Arnold Whatsanigger until you corrected me last year" - Extra Nessquote from the same post as the previous Nessquote.

*Chris sneezes*
Jenny: "Bless you."
Mr Patrick: "No talking in class!" *Writes Jenny's name on the board.*
Chris: "I hope you learnt your lesson Jenny. No common courtesy in Science Class."

Jenny: "Why are they walking around in their underwear?"
Emily: "Because they're sluts."
Jenny: "Why don't they go into a bathrom to put some clothes on?"
Emily: "Because they're sluts."
Jenny: "Why did that man just give them money?"
Emily: : "...do you REALLY need me to answer that one?"

What do you call a gay dinosaur? Mega-sore-ass.

My name is 'Elga, I am from Switzerland. I am a Swiss. I like chocolate, and doing the splits.

"Is your cervical feeling immunised?"

Amanda: "That's a great story Jenny. You're going to be a great novelist when you grow up."
Mr Grogan: "Don't encourage her!"

"Why are you so shiny, Jenny? I keep looking up and you dazzle me." - Mrs Raby, looking at me on the day of the first awesome Glitter Fight.

You learn a lot about people in German class, I mean who knew that Sam wanted to marry Max and have 21 children, that Keiran wanted to be a sheep, Saxon wanted to make arms or that Geordie wanted a sex change?
Of course we all knew that Trent wanted to become Chris.

"Have you ever looked between your legs and seen Jake's head floating there?"

Jenny...yelling very loudly: "OH MY GOD IT'S [Stalkie Von Stalkee]!!!!!!!"
*Everyone...EVERYONE in the area at the time turns and looks at Jenny"
Jenny: "Fuck... do you think he heard?"

Emily: "Jenny, why don't you like cake?"
Jenny: "It's a long story..."
Chris: "We've got time."
Jenny: "Ah. Well, I just don't like it."
Emily: "I'd love to hear her short stories!"

Chris: "For the ducks safety I'm going to count to 10 slowly."
Flick: "Why? Can't you count fast?"
Someone remind me to bring Derek to school again one day. He annoyed so many people...

Jenny: "That's why you love me...no, I say that too often. That's why you adore me...no...what's that other A word?"
Onlooker: "Ass"
Jenny: "I meant something that meant love...although 'I ass you' does have a nice ring to it."

Have you ever spent 10 minutes ringing the doorbell of a house at 8.00 in the morning before you realise you're at the wrong house? No? Just me then...

Millie: "When a dog gets neutered its whole personality changes."
Sophie: "Yeah, it becomes a cat."

"Did you know cocoa cola is made from cola nuts?" - Nessquote.

"I don't want a baby coming out of my fucking vaginas!" - Dean, refusing to be pregnant for our history thing.

There was a bird in my house this afternoon, only Mum, the cat and I were home. Guess who is the only one who's not afraid of birds? If you said the cat...you were wrong. (It was me).
Seriously, does anyone else know of any cats that are afraid of birds?

"Making someone waddle like a penguin is like having sex with them." - Max

Jenny: "It's not fair. Everyone wants to rape Chris. No one wants to rape me..."
MIKEY!!: "That's just because he has a face that's just screaming 'Please rape me'"

Jenny: "Stop looking at me!!"
Mrs Raby: "I'm not!"
Jenny: "YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT NOW!!!"

Jenny: "You're so gay!! I LOVE YOU!!"
Chris: "...That's a sentence you don't hear everyday."
Jenny: "Really? I seem to say it a lot..."

I can make people want to kill me then themselves. Wanna see how?
What do you call a really sweet person from Cuba?
A SUGAR-CUBAN!!

What Jenny overheard in Circus skills...
"Your girlfriend is being a plank."
"Ha, ha...it rhymes with skank."

Jenny: "So...you're 21, and your children range from the ages 21-32..."
Mr Grogan: "That's right. I have grandchildren too. Do you want to know how old they are?"
Jenny: "Yeah?"
Mr Grogan: "The oldest one is 38."
*Chris' head explodes*

Mum: "I always get Dad's number mixed up with the Doctor's"
Dad: "Yeah, the doctor's really intruiged as to why she keeps giving him Father's Day presents."

Jenny: "As long as I know who's doing what... then by all means go ahead."
Chris: "Famous last words..."

Emily: "You've ruined it Jenny."
Jenny: "What?! Not our budding love..."
Emily: "Yes. You've ripped it into halves."
Jenny: "HALVES?! Ah, as long as it isn't quarters..."
Emily: "Yes. Quarters."
Jenny: "NOT THIRDS?! of quarters..."
Emily: "MANY!! YOU'VE TORN IT INTO MANY!!'
Jenny: "Woe! Our fractured fractioned love..."

Jenny: "I'd like to suck a mousse one day... THROUGH A STRAW!"
*Ness cracks up*
Jenny: "What?"
Ness: "I was thinking something else for mousse."
*Jenny starts banging her head against a wall*
Jenny: "Wait, what were you thinking? Hair mousse?"
Ness: "No, the animal moose."
*Everyone starts picturing meese being sucked up through a straw*
After a while, this conversation turned to beastiality. Enough said.

Jenny: "Yeah, yeah. I know my way home from Gateshead."
Emily: "We're in Dudley."
Jenny: "...fuck."

Jenny tried using Charades to tell them that You Shook Me All Night Long (by ACDC) was the top song on the KOFM Essential 2008 countdown. Unfortunately Emily was laughing too hard, Sophie didn't care and Millie couldn't see me.

Ness: "Woah! I just sneezed Apple out of my nose."
A little later...
Ness: "I just realised why my nose still feels funny. I STILL HAVE APPLE UP MY NOSE!!"

Emily/Millie: "Did we scare you?"
Jenny: "Yes. I was so afraid I couldn't breath through my mouth."
Sophie: "So...you breathed through your nose?"

"When you're with Jenny, you don't need a drug." - The wiseness of Amy.

"I'll teach you the basics of caring for a friend with alochol poisoning:
a) Find someone else to look after them.
b) If nobody can be found ...run." - Life lessons from Awesome Aunt Lucy.

Siobhan to me: "What are you doing in here? You're not in our class. Wait...yes you are."
Josie: "This is English. You're not in our class."

"He's so cute... I just want to kill him." - Jenny talking about a year 7 kid.

Chris: "Jenny, your phone's ringing."
Jenny: "Fucking hell. They've been fucking ringing me all day! I don't fucking know you. Leave me the fuck alone! Fuckity fuck fuck... Oh! It's Dad..."

*A Year 7 kid peeks into our classroom.*
Jenny *Creepily*: "Hello Child."
Emily: "Ignore her, she's emo."
Jenny: "No I'm not. I'm just very hungry."
*Jenny heads towards the door. The kid slams the door shut and locks it.*

My father and I were watching a duck swimming along. We called to the duck and it got out of the water and wagged its tail at us before it got back in the water and swam away. It headed towards a little bridge.
My father called out "Duck".
This gave way to a new phrase. When someone makes a really bad joke, they are said to have "said duck to a duck."
Example:
Jenny: "Are you going to have nightmares about triangles tonight?"
Mrs Raby: "I'll try not to."
Millie: "Ha, ha... Try, tri..."
Jenny: "Eurgh. Duck to a duck."

Mum: "Jennifer has a friend sleeping over tomorrow and they'll have to sleep in your room."
Dougy: "But... I need a bed."
Jenny: "You sleep on the floor!"
Dougy: "...I like the idea that I have a bed."

*On the subject of Penises*
Laura: "Ew, I dont' want something like that stuck up my vagina!"
Jenny: "Of all the things someone might not want up their vagina..."

Dean: "Can I go get my assignment?"
Mr Farquharson: "Can you do WHAT to your salmon?!"

Jenny: "I don't like bikinis."
Emily: "Yeah, they always fall off."
Jenny: "I'm more worried about things falling out..."

Dean: "I will pay you money to kiss Dwyer and let me see his reaction."
Trent: "No."
Dean: "You're gay."
Trent: "For NOT kissing a man?"
What really makes him gay is his inability to SHOW ME HIS ARMS!!!

Emily: "This wind is so gay!"
Jenny: "Yeah! It's really homosexual. I bet it's blowing in the other direction to have gay sex with the wind there."

And there it is folks. This is the most work I've ever put into a Mou Post. I hope you think it was worth it.

Thank you to all my dedicated readers, and even the people who only read it on the rare occasion.

Special thanks to Emily and Amanda for commenting on EVERY post they've ever read. I really appreciate it. I love you guys.

Here are some of the posts I had trouble deciding with:
http://themoudoesnotexist.blogspot.com/2008/03/butthe-pool-will-be-so-dirty.html

http://themoudoesnotexist.blogspot.com/2008/05/orange-moss-and-egg-cake_22.html

http://themoudoesnotexist.blogspot.com/2008/06/die-jungen-tragen-keinen-rocke.html

...You know, you might as well just read every single post.

Monday, December 22, 2008

I just ate a grape.

Remember the out of uniform day? I do...vaguely. One event stands out. I was standing with one foot on one bench, and my other foot on another one. Amanda had spent the day taking photos. She ran up to me in this position eagerly... saying "Ooh! I have to take a photo of this to show my American hosts what Christmas looks like!"

...

Me with my legs apart is what Christmas looks like...apparently.

Jenny: "Who's going into bat now? Clark(e) or Johnson?"
Mum: "Hussey."
Dad: "...Easy mistake to make."

Coupla weekends ago, I saw Twilight with Emily and Sophie. I would highly endorse this movie for anyone. Best Comedy of 2008. =)

Highlights of the movie: Jasper's Face. (Seriously, look it up on Google. It is H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S) Edward Cullen's walk, and in general, the way he speaks. "Hellooooo, I'm Edwaaard Culleeeen, you're Bellaaaa." Retard.

Of course, with all this I couldn't help laughing all the time and whispering to Emily. At one point the girls in front of us turned around and very politely said
"Will you please shut up?"
After 10 seconds or so I whispered to Emily "Oops..." and she cracked up.
We're not very good at the being quiet thing.

*Jenny bumps into a desk*
"Ow! ...I'm not clumsy at all."
Sophie: "I believe you."
*Jenny knocks a chair over*
Jenny: "...Well that's just funny."

Emily: "This wind is so gay!"
Jenny: "Yeah! It's really homosexual. I bet it's blowing in the other direction to have gay sex with the wind there."

Jenny: "This Acca Dacca?"
Emily: "No! It's AC/DC."

Jenny: "I'm really weird."
Dean: "No. Weird is wanting to have sex with corpses, weird is enjoying being vomitted on, weird is a sexual attraction to babies."
Jenny: "N'aww... thank you."
(Because that proves I'm not weird...see? Just thought you should all know.)

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Don't Oppress My Lemons

Aaah Christmas. The time of year when you hear from the relatives and friends you don't usually speak to for various reasons. We got a Christmas Card and a letter from one of my Mum's old friends from school. She's a real, true witch. Who has a Circle and sisters and who celebrates Beltane and has a partner called Rat. HOW AWESOME IS THAT?! (Hehe, it rhymes).

I answered the phone to hear someone say:
"Hi yeah. Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday and all those holidays celebrated throughout the year."
"...Uncle Mick?"
Yes. It was my Uncle Mick. Heard the stories? Ask me some other time, I'm not publishing his exploits on the internet.

We even got a Christmas Card from Uncle Peter, my Grandmother's cousin or something.
"To All
Uncle Peter"
He added a word this year! Last year it was just Peter.

Mr Grogan: "Merry Christmas."
Jenny: "Happy New Year."
Amanda: "...Happy Valentine's Day!"
What about Australia Day Amanda? Hmm?

Emily: "My Mum's friends with the butcher."
Sophie: "So's my Dad! *pause* His name's Laurie."

Chris: "It's 12.43."
Jenny: "No it isn't. It's 12.43"
Chris: "...That's what I said."
Jenny: "Oooh... I thought you said 12.34. I'm not audially dyslexic."

PE the other week (One of the classic things I forgot to mention at some point.) Our teams chant was :
"Who's skillful? SOPHIE! AIM FOR THE HEADS!"
This is because Sophie kicked a ball, into her own head. At the time we were playing against people who we weren't all that fond of, so we gave up trying to get the ball into the goals, we began to AIM FOR THE HEADS! All in all a very enjoyably PE lesson.

Amanda: "I can smell through my mouth."
Jenny: "What happens when you get morning breath?"

Dean: "Can I go get my assignment?"
Mr Farquharson: "Can you do WHAT to your salmon?!"

Mr Donaldson at our year assembly: "And congratulations to ***** (I've forgotten whose name it was) who has received a Distinction in Visual Arts."
***** after she got off the stage: "I don't even do Visual Arts."

Jenny: "I'm really violent this morning, I headbutted a pole on the bus, I've tried to kill Amanda, I've tried to poke Georgia's spine out... and we're still only in Roll Call."

At Lunch yesterday, Emily said I would one day be a very good actress. At this I began accepting an Oscar in an American accent... for the rest of lunch I entertained Emily and Amanda with various accents.
Emily told me to mention this on The Mou (Which is what I'm doing now, WOAH!). I sat down on one of the seats and began pretending to type out an entry whilst dictacting outloud in some sort of accent.
Ness found fault with my typing.
Ness, dear Ness... I WAS NO WHERE NEAR A KEYBOARD!
Some people! I mean really...

I would now like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a very happy, and enjoyable Australia Day. (Christmas, Boxing Day, New Year, Teacher's Strikes, Valentine's Day, Birthday, Solstice, Easter, Newcastle Show, Labour Day, Banking Holiday, School Holidays, Anniversarys, Wedding, Engagement, First Born Child, Deepest Sympathies, Breakups, Recitals and Tennis Tournaments.)

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Baubles

I'm really sorry this took so long. I wasn't writing things down as they happened so much classic material was lost...

Jenny: "I'm going to work on the roof."
Millie: "What?!"
Jenny: "I'm going to work on the roof..."
Millie: "Oooh! You mean your model..."

Jenny: "Now I know why Olympic Swimmers don't wear bikinis!"
Emily: "Why?"
Jenny: "...see if you can guess."

A dictionary option appears on the computer screen:
Sophie: "OH COOL!!"
Jenny: "Only Sophie would say that about seeing a dictionary..."

Mrs Scollay found Jo in the closet.
"I TOLD you someone was in there!! Stupid child..."

"Jenny, leave Flick's hair to jingle alone." - Amanda.

Jenny: "I would NEVER abandon my child. *Pause* I'd just kill it."
Flick: "What?!?! You horrible horrible person!!"
*Jenny still finds this really rather funny... hahaha...hahahahahaha...maternal instincts...hahaha*

Dean: "I will pay you money to kiss Dwyer and let me see his reaction."
Trent: "No."
Dean: "You're gay."
Trent: "For NOT kissing a man?"

Jenny: "I don't like bikinis."
Emily: "Yeah, they always fall off."
Jenny: "I'm more worried about things falling out..."

*Arguing about the colour of Mr Brady's eyes.*
Dad: "With that colour hair his eyes can't be that bright a blue."
Jenny: "They're as blue as yours!"
Dad: "...my eyes are brown."
Jenny: "...shhhhhhh."

Trent: "I'm going to make the best pun ever. Bell *points to Flick's hair tie with the bells* and Bell. *Points to Jenny.*"

I had a dream last night where my cat had wings and was flying. When I told her to come down in the name of St. Adelaide she saluted me and then dropped to the ground and ran into the garage to sleep.

When I told Mum about this, her way of interpreting the dream was that:
"You want to control a cat? Gah... you want world domination."

"Reading Jenny's blog makes me laugh." - Sophie's Nessquote.

The Moustache Does NOT Exist