How did they get that duck on stilts?

Mum: "You know Elizabeth Taylor died today?"
Jenny: "Oh, that's sad."
Mum: "Yeah it's the end of an era huh... I wonder how many husbands will turn up to the funeral."
Dad: "It certainly is the end of an era. You know, I'm not looking forward to when whatsername dies."
(Turns out "Whatsername" also occasionally goes by the name of Liza Minelli or Judy Garland's daughter)

Don't forget to put your tittles on.

Jenny: "Do you want my English notes?"
Voigt: "...What notes?"
Jenny: "...These ones. For Bladerunner.*Shows him five pages of notes*"
Voigt: "Oooh! Right... I don't need them. I made them in my head. Go on! Test me!"
Jenny: "Ok... what's the significance of the love scene?"
Voigt: "...What love scene?"



Mum: "I ran into Jeff Skinner today, do you remember him?"
Jenny: "No... should I?"
Mum: "Oh, Maz took you to his house once when you were a baby and you drank some petrol, anyway he was walking along and..."
Jenny: "WHAT?!"
Mum: "Well, they thought you did. The ambulance men didn't think so. I don't know very much about it, Maz was very vague."*Later*
Jenny: "I can't believe I drank petrol and no one ever mentioned it..."
Dad: "Yeah, that kind of thing can backfire. Backfire. Geddit? Like an engine... and petrol..."

Jenny: "I need study food."
Mum: "What do you need to study?"
Jenny: "Maths...Chem...Bio..."
Mum: "No, what food do you need to study?"
Jenny: "I don't need to study food..."
Mum: "WHAT STUDY FOOD DO YOU NEED?!"
Jenny: "Oooooooh..."

Essential Rule of Life: Always know at least one person who knows how to break into a car. You never know when you'll need your car to be broken into. Trust me, it does happen. It happened tonight...

Schnitzel Von Krumm!!

Jenny: "Dad! We've missed the first episode of the new series of The Big Bang Theory!!"
Dad: "How?"
Jenny: "Well, I was out to dinner... and you were in Cambodia."


Jenny: "Do you like Taylor Swift?"
Tory: "Fuck no! Do you think I'm gay?"
(It's funny because Tory is a very flamboyant gay.)


*Phone Rings*
Mum: "Hello?"
? : "Hey, have I ever had chicken pox?"
Mum: "Who is this?"
? : "Doug! Who else would it be!?!"


*Watching a sad movie, Didi looked like she was crying*
Jenny: "Are you ok?"
Didi: "Yeah, I didn't get to cry the first time I saw this because I was wearing mascara."



*Taking Chris home, approximately 1 block from his house*
Jenny: "So is it left or right from this direction?"
Chris: "Right... I think... No, yeah... Definitely right."
*We drive past his street which was actually on the left* (In his defence, it was dark.)



A questionare type thing filled out by Trent at the age of four:
My favourite sport is computers. I am not good at it.
I go to school by poo.
My favourite food is that guy .*arrow leads to a picture of a man*.
The last one is my favourite because it shows that either he was a very advanced four year old... or he's a somewhat retarded sixteen year old because he still makes similar jokes.



*Visiting the local TAFE to pick up a book*
Jenny: "Do you remember me?"
Office Lady: "How could I forget? I remember you when you were this high (gestures about 60cm) running up and down the corridors..."
Millie: "I can see Jenny doing that. I can see her doing that now."



Bon Voyage Sophie!



*Dad actually did this*
Customer *on the phone*: "Hi Graeme, look. That steel beam I bought off your company... it's 100mm too short."
Dad: "Oh no! Is it 50mm short at both ends or just 100mm short at the one end?"



*Watching Foxtel at my brothers but it's time to leave*
Jenny: "It's ok, I can just record it."
Mum: "What are you recording it on?"
Jenny: "It's Foxtel, Mum."
Mum: "Oh, ok. You'll have to set it to stop recording in an hour or so though."
Jenny: "..."

The Locker Ghost

Jenny: "Ok, you think one iron table won't be enough? I'll take two."
Dad: "That'll give you constipation."
Jenny: "Oh, crap."
Dad: "No, you won't."

Alana: "Damn you chlorophyll!!"
*A few minutes later*
Alana: "I looooooooove lettuce."

Jenny: "I'll have tea with milk and two and a half sugars please."
*Goes back to her desk and hears the following from a distance*
Dean: "What... how do you get half a sugar?"
Fletcher: "I don't even know..."

Lucy: "Ok, the girl you're about to meet... she's a bit... different. There's a rumour about her having an orgy with five men from the air force... She's awesome though."
*Later on, having been in the presence of this girl for five minutes*
Girl: "I don't like sharing."
Jenny: "That's not what I heard."

*After watching some Year 10 girl fall over*
Jenny: "Wow, she's really dirty."
Emily: "And her clothes aren't that clean either!"

My father's been in Cambodia/Laos for a couple of weeks... I've got two text messages from him. The first one said: "I just remembered Trent's birthday isn't until March... tell him he'll keep."
And the second one: "Not ALL of my text messages have mentioned Trent... oh."

I apologise for the shortness of this post. I would've waited for it to be a bit longer but Sophie scared me into doing it today. We all know how scary Sophie can be.

NESS QUOTE!!!
"I got chased by a fish while on holiday. It had teeth."

DEVIL COW! (Hippy Early Bathday Em)

Yes, it's been a while. Sorry... but last year I was in the same class with all the same people and it would've just been boring. This year I'm with lots of different friends in lots of different classes so there'll be variety, yay!

*In the library*
Dean: "Look, little Germans!"
Mrs Raby: "Yep, little German students with a little German teacher."
Jenny: "Wow... they're so small... was I that small in Year 8?"
Dean: "You still are that small."

Mr Farquharson: "Has anyone here memorised the Periodic Table?"
*Horrified glances from most of the class*
Mr Farquharson: "If you have then I strongly suggest you get a life."

How do you describe the Hydrosphere? Wet.

I caught up with an old friend I hadn't spoken to since Year 2.
Jenny: "How've you been?! How's your family?!"
Shannin: "Well... my parents got divorced 8 years ago and my siblings have multiplied, I'm now one of seven..."
Jenny: "...Wow. How's your dog? She was a bit old when were in Year 1 though wasn't she?"
Shannin: "She ran away 6 years ago..."
Jenny: "Oh... and what about that lady who was going to teach us to crochet?"
Shannin: "Margie... she was lovely. She died 3 years ago."
Moral: STAY IN TOUCH*

Flick: "Anthropophagi means cannibal or man-eater"
Jenny: "She's an Anthropophagi, make you work more, make you spend more...etc"
*Ten minutes after class*
Jake (via text message): "Damn you! I have Man Eater in my head now!"

Jenny: "Is Ms. Taber here?"
Ms. Taber: "Yes, I'm Ms. Taber."
Jenny: "Oh, sorry. I've never had you before."
Ms. Taber: "That's ok. What can I do for you Jennifer?"
Jenny: "...That's scary."

You'll be pleased to know that after my disastrous attempt at bringing my own lunch to school... I ate it when I got home. I'd left it NOT in the kitchen but on the table next to where I'd put my bag that morning. So. Very. Close.

Jenny: "That's the second time I"ve seen a cockroach at this KFC!"
Mum: "Mm... we should really stick to the drive-in."

*Showing Mum a picture of Trent with his pretty new hair*
Jenny: "Mum, look at this."
*She stares blankly for a bit*
Mum: "Oh! Is that Trent when he was younger?"
Jenny: "No, that's Trent now."

When Dad saw my English text: "Oh, for he's a jolly good..."
Jenny: *Sighs audibly* "Othello..."

Mum: "Do you want to tell her the good news?"
Jenny: "What?"
Mum: "Well, you have a new Uncle and two new younger brothers."
Jenny: "WHAT?!"
Mum: "Your father made friends with a security guard. He gave us a mat and told us that our families are now joined. So, your father bought some stationary for his "brother's" kids and that meant that apparently because we cared, they were now our sons too."
Dad: "So you're not the youngest anymore."

Can anyone think of a decent Australian made film? Two people took up the challenge on Friday for me, but neither have got back to me yet.

Yes. It's impossible.

Facebook is stealing most of my material!

I apologise. This is the first time in over 18 months that I have not made a post in over a month. I feel rather awful because...well...this isn't going to be a very long post as it is. It's not my fault though! It's FACEBOOK'S! Everytime something funny happens, or if I mention something funny... my father puts it on Facebook. So I apologise that this... small blog writer is having difficulty competing with a much bigger social networking site. I WILL STRIVE TO DEFEAT THIS!

Millie: "Look at Geordie!"
Jenny: "Is he asleep?"
Millie: "Yeah, I think he is."
Jenny: "Let's throw something at him!"
*Mrs Raby notices*
Mrs Raby: "IS GEORDIE ASLEEP?!?"
*Geordie wakes suddenly*
Mrs Raby: "That is the first time anyone's ever fallen asleep in MY class."

Jenny: "Mum! I have a freckly on my eyelid!"
Mum: "How do you know?"
Jenny: "I was looking in the mirror!"
Mum: "...You need your eyes closed to see your eyelid."

*The most unusual way a lesson has ever been started in my 11 years of school.*
Mrs Raby: "That runner is a haemaphrodite!"
*While Mrs Raby discussed this with Sam, other people in the class formed little chats of their own...*
Tory: "How do people get both parts?"
Jenny: "Everyone starts off as girls"
Tory: "Does that mean I might be a haemophrodite?"
Jenny: "No...I assume you would have a fully formed penis. A haemophrodite is someone who started to become a male but the testes didn't come through the vagina."
Tory: "But I don't have a vagina!"
Jenny: "THAT'S WHY YOU'RE NOT A HAEMAPHRODITE!"
*Class looks at Jenny...of course.*

Fletcher *looking out the door*: "Is that Lydia?"
Mrs Walker *waddles quickly out of the door, the class hears from the corridor*: "Lydia! Why aren't you in class?! Oh. It's not Lydia..."

Mrs Raby: "Jenny, are you doing German next year?"
Jenny: "Yes. I'm too scared of you not to."

To celebrate Toilet Guy's last day...nay...last ten-20 minutes in attendance at our school, Jenny approached him and said the following:

"Can I hug you? I love you. I really do. You don't know me, but I watch you."

(I just wanted his last day to be memorable. Personally, I'll never forget it. I tried doing the same to dear Nose Guy but he'd already gone...)

NESS QUOTE!

Jenny: "Did you know all the actors in Bewitched died of cancer?"
Ness: "What's Bewitched?"
Jenny: "A tv show."
Ness: "Is it a cartoon about ghosts?"
Jenny: "...No. Why?"
Ness: "You said the actors were dead. Is it about zombies?"
Jenny: "...It's from the 60s."
Ness: "Ooooooh!"

Get Your Filthy Hands Off My Sodomy

We have two families who we're friends with in Germany, some of you know Ariane who stayed with me for a while. Her father is a huge man with a gutteral Austrian accent. His car is a HUGE 4wd with an incredible sound system and he drives it incredibly fast. This man is the epitomy of manhood. What song was he playing on his incredible sound system at an ear shattering volume? A song entitled "The Last Unicorn.". He played it twice.

Jenny: "He keeps asking me if Ariane is hot."
Mrs Raby *James, the fat redheaded one*: "She wouldn't fancy you anyway!"

*After hearing the brand new computers had been stolen from the PDM rooms*
Jenny: "So either the cleaners left the door unlocked, or it's an inside job."
Mrs Greenland: "Yeah, I actually stole them.

Jenny: "Can I borrow your thumb drive please?"
Emily: "Sure, if you can turn this computer on."
Jenny: "Is it plugged in?"
Emily: "..."

Jenny *calling loudly to someone she's forgotten*: "The Church says that masturbation makes you blind!"
*Jenny notices a teacher standing very closely behind her*
Teacher: "How embarrassed are you right now?"

*Going to a fancy dress party. My brother was going as "Lambton"*
Mum: "How are we going to attach the sign to him?"
Jenny: "A stapler?"

Jenny: "Mrs Mackenzie, is it ok to have a German in the class?"
Mrs Mackenzie: "A what?!"

Jenny: "Everytime you look at me, Millie, I'm going to make a funny pose."
*Strikes a disco pose*
Frau Spaett: "Yes? You have a question?"

Frau Spaett *marking the roll*: "Trent?"
Trent: "Yes."
Frau Spaett: "Is Trent here?"
Jenny: "Yes, he is."
Frau Spaett: "Where?"
Jenny: "He's the one over there saying yes."
Frau Spaett: "Oh, of course."

Mrs Golder: "Russel, choose someone who hasn't been chosen to answer a question."
Russel: "Scott."
Scott: "I just did it."
Russel: "Oh ok. Jenny."
Jenny: "I did it after Scott."
Mrs Golder: "Have you been in class for the last ten minutes? You'd be great at a party. You'd be drunk already. Doesn't he look drunk?"

Mr Priestly *sick of stopping every two seconds to stop us talking*: "I'm going to develop a speech impediment soon!"
Jake (who has a speech impediment for those who don't know him): "Hey!"
Mr Priestly: "Not that that's a bad thing."

Who Gives A Swinebird?

I really am, deeply...truly...sincerely sorry that it took me so long to upload. I'm ashamed of myself, and all of you who didn't nag me nearly enough. Tsk tsk. (I'm joking, Emily...don't hurt me.)

*Whilst the idiots were eating deep fried ice cream*
Jenny: "I was talking to a guy today who tripped and accidentally put his arm in a deep frier."
Beau (friend of brother who happens to be a fireperson): "Was his arm covered with batter?"
Dougy: "That's a good idea! Whenever you go fight a fire, cover yourself in batter!!"

Millie: "Let's work now!"
Sophie *holding up a coin*: "Did you know these coins aren't valid in New Zealand anymore, but they're valid in Australia."
Emily: "...thanks Soph."
Jenny: "Why IS that?"
Millie: "SHUT UP JENNY!"
Sophie *whispers*: "They resized their coins in New Zealand."

Jenny: "My average body temperature is 34 degrees celsius."
Zooty: "You're like a lizard."

Mrs Walker: "Which atom is best? Carbon12, Carbon13 or Carbon14? The answer is Carbon12."
Fletcher: "Unless you're dating someone."
*Mrs Walker thinks intently (seriously, you can tell when she's thinking)*: "I don't need to know about your personal life."
Fletcher: "...I meant carbon dating."

Do you remember that turtle who died?

Mrs Raby: "I"m going to say your name and a word and you have to translate it to German. Ok?
Erin. Annoying."
*Everyone laughs*
Mrs Raby: "I didn't do it on purpose! What's your middle name, Jenny?"
Jenny: "Elizabeth... why?"
Mrs Raby: "I just met a woman named Jennifer Susan. That's my daughter's name too!"

Matt: "How do you spell 'Petri Dish'?"
*Mrs Walker writes on the board*: "Peti."

Caity: "What time does the bell go?"
Jenny: "Dunno."
*5 minutes later*
Jenny: "What time does the bell go?"
Caity *Without hesitation*: "20 to"

*Elective choices advice Angus + NOSE GUY!! style.*
Angus: "I know it's the last 10 minutes of the day so I'm going to get some audience participation going. Who here finds some subjects we study in maths pretty useless? I mean, when are you going to use Pythagora's Theorem in the future?"
NOSE GUY!!: "...We're using it next week for our trials."

Note to self: NOSE GUY!! has 6th Period free on a Tuesday.

The Did You Know Section...

Jenny: "Did you know... Only male birds can go "Twit" and only female birds can go "Twoo". They're actually in a duet together."
Mrs Golder: "What if it's bisexual?"

Geordie: "Did you know if you peel a banana taking the bottom thing off there won't be any string thing?"
Mrs Raby: "NO! DON'T DO THAT! YOU NEED A LITTLE HANDLE!"